THE NASTY UGLINESS OF FAKE COMPLIMENTS
Where we grew up, we learned a system of complimenting other girls and women that in truth are not compliments at all. We define ourselves and others through an inverted movement of interaction where our compliments more often than not, are masked judgments - of ourselves and our own bodies. They are veils of uncertainty and hopelessness. They are poisonous critique rather than a genuine acknowledgment of the woman we are complimenting.
"Those pants look so good on you. I could never fit into that size!"
"Wow, I wish I had the discipline to be as good as you when it comes to workout/healty eating/whatever is actually beneficial to you and your body"
"I don't understand how you can eat that much chocolate and still be so skinny"
"I wish I was as lucky as you"
"You're so healthy, you've good nothing to complain about... Look at me!"
These are not compliments.
They are cleverly disguised admonissions, putting ourselves - and the recipient - down. They are disrespectful not just towards our own body, but towards the person we are talking to.
So what do we really say when we make statements lik "Wow, you're really good, I could never be like that" or "It's easy for you to say, you're just born slim/healthy/good looking"? We solidify our own patterns of self judment. We state our own defeat. We share our lack of self-care, self-respect, and ultimately - what we do when we see the greatness in someone else and try to express what we see - we do not acknowledge THEIR greatness, but we attach our own littleness to it, weigh it down, and make ourselves "not that".
What we present as praise is nothing other than insecurity and jealousy. It has nothing to do with compliments.
This is not OK.
It makes us liars.
We twist our words into becoming what they are not. We become glossy politicians speaking with forked tongues, playing games of untruth and deception. Receiving a "compliment" like this is equally as disheartening and negative. It is nearly impossible to receive praise gracefully when the words that are presented to us as "kindness" in actuality cover up its nasty opposite.
We learn from each other, and we pass it on to others. We become our own spiteful silver-tongued assassins.
Every day I wake up and silently commit to myself and the world to live and speak from what I know is the highest truth of myself. I vow to share who I am with as much love, kindness and respect as I can muster. Respect towards others and respect towards myself.
The first step in destroying the ugly, nasty dragon of fake compliments is recognizing its existence in ourselves and others. The second one is cutting its head off when it appears.
Happy hunting, ladies.
Love, M.
